i love being a child. Although in every way possible i am becoming an adult more and more, i’m still a child. Maybe it’s because i’m the youngest in the family, but i just love being childish. Childish not in the sense of playing dumb cute, or immature humor, or capricious behavior, but like just plainly child-like. I miss childhood and Uzbekistan. I know i’ll never get to see the starry nights nor pick the cherries and the apricots, I know i won’t even be able to go to what used to be my room, because it’s not there anymore. Fires fires, fires. I know that whatever the case would have been, i wouldn’t have been able to return anyways, but I mean fire, that just ruined it… even more than it could have been ruined. I don’t know, I miss it, but memories don’t to good, especially now. Memories may come in handy when i’m like 80. I’ll set them aside for now.
I miss people haha. Even those that i’ve met for three days. We worked together until 4 am in the morning. On school nights i got home at 5. Yeah, massive trouble, though my parents knew where i was, but still it was such an experience. Working and just feeling like part of a team, it’s such a rewarding feeling. Though I really didn’t do much, it was just so great meeting new people that were passed the high school drama stuff, frankly i don’t think they were ever involved in anything like that, but i’m not saying i am. It was just so nice to have a different environment around me. Oh gosh, i know i should be studying for finals right now, or sleeping, but whatever. I miss the humor, the new things, just everything was so new and so… cool. haha. Ah, loved it, miss it, i smile every time i remember it. haha. i’m so weird. I can’t stop thinking about it now! ahhh, it was just so awesome, i’m so thankful that i got to experience something like this so young! i loved it!
Anyways, i have digressed a little from my purpose in this post. Child? Right, i love being a child! So much laughter, joy, innocence. It’s funny because i’m so different in school and at church from home. I”m so loose, and just relaxed. I know my family, and i love them. I love my parents and i love my sisters. I don’t know, i just feel so lucky to have such an amazing family. maybe i’m blind and don’t see things, but it just feels so right. Of course we have arguments and fights. My parents scold me, i talk back, we fight, but tomorrow or at least in two days, we’re all good again. Laughter. Laughter is almost like the aroma of our house. It’s ahh lovely. haha Maybe i’m just a person who loves love and loves receiving love, despite my cynicism. oh, got it. i have a cynical attitude towards people (outside of family), christianity, and government haha, and just everything, but my family. I love cuddling haha. i love cuddling with my mom or my dad or my sisters. I just love being close to them (not to others though, honestly, i actually really don’t like physical contact with other people that much ahha) They get annoyed of it, i know, they call me like a sticker, or the leaf after the spa (russian thing? maybe) idk. I adore hearing my dad’s endless audacious stories when he was a hooligan in the old days. Or his heroic moments haha, despite his short height. My dad would be the “good guy” in movies. Haha, a jackie chan look alike, a high reputation and pride, but with a golden heart of just a loving bear haha. He has so so so so many stories! haha we always tell him to write a book, it would be a best seller. haha ahhh! Even though things get rocky sometimes, it’s still okay, we’re still going. and my mom, so cute. I love how we’re so alike (although this sometimes leads to really bad fights). We’re both stubborn but both just want to laugh and … laugh. hah. gosh, i’m writing a whole freaking essay here, but my happiness is just ongoing, unfortunately i think it will end first thing tomorrow morning. I think i might be bipolar. I get so happy and i get angry so quickly. .. hm. ahh, i should study for finals. woot! haha i’m so jumpy at home, but not when i’m alone, only when i have people surrounding me. I’m so weird, i must have had like some kind of happy pill. Ah, my crappy morning today is coming back to me now though. boo, damn. i just remembered a dream i had, but it’s too long and crazy to write. why am i not sleeping!?
Where to begin, perhaps one of the ugliest and dirtiest things, the heart. Welcome to sucky-ville. What a crappy place, with temperature of twenty-three fahrenheit. You know what sucks, writers’ block. Especially when you have so much to say. Well it’s not like it’s very important anyways, but still, it’s not healthy keeping it all in. Sometimes words and thoughts can be the foulest things; like poison disseminating through your entire body. Ehyuck.
What’s wrong with me? haha gosh, I need something that I don’t know. There must be a reason to why there’s such a lack of liveliness in life! It’s ridiculous, and I don’t want to spend any more time writing and complaining why my life feels so empty when I’m just so young and I should be having the time of my life. It’s not like things get better with every year, you get older and closer to arthritis, canes, and medication. More responsibilities and important decisions. Ahh, I’m not worried about who I’m going to be or what I’m going to do, because somewhere deep inside, for some reason, there is this built-in assurance that everything is going to be alright. Though, currently, I’m having some kind of stupid teenage crisis in which I am avoiding endeavor because I’m afraid of failing. Oh woe, stupid me. Great. Regrets do no good, it seems like nothing does any good. And I’m guessing and I’m only trying to find the culprit who ruined the somewhat perfect facade of life. I’m pointing fingers and sometimes it goes to my family, sometimes friends, often God, but most of time, me. Great, I guess that saying every time you point your finger at someone, you’re pointing three back at yourself, is true. The more I reject Him, the more I find myself in need of Him. Shame, shame shame. What a shame, what a stupid me.
Today was quite an interesting day, a load of things happened. So to begin with the earliest I was up today technically one a.m. and I decided to pray, something I, myself, genuinely didn’t do in a long time. I was just very overwhelmed with things and things I knew I had to do eventually, especially that slowly but surely, high school is coming to an end… sort of. Well I prayed hoping that today would be a good day and that all things may go as He planned it.
Morning. I try to make myself tea and I guess I was still in the half asleep state because I just decided to drink boiling tea out of the thermos. Good job, you just burned your lip and your chin. The pain was well.. painful, won’t lie. It was bad enough that I had to wake up my mama, the epitome of the crazy russian remedy type mom. I looked at the microwave clock (which is 2 minutes behind) and realized I had about negative minutes to leave the house to catch my LIRR. Despite my good effort to be on time, my mom kept me tied down until she was complete putting on egg yolk on my current bloated Angelina Jolie lips. I buy my ticket, get on the train, and casually look for my friend. 32-year old Clarissa is standing next to me and about 30 seconds into the ride, she collapses. And no, not like weak knees, but paralyzed, dropping like a stiff board or a block of ice. Short blond hair and with the face of a sprite, her large eyes were opened the entire time. She didn’t move. Her large mug of coffee was now filling in the indents of every little tile on the floor. Her entire body, including her hand that was holding that coffee, was in the same still position. Baffled, I almost became paralyzed too. My mind thought nothing about should I call 911? Should I? But just as in dreams, when you’re trying to run, everything slows down. It’s as if your feet are glued, and with every step you take it’s like quicksand sinking you in deeper and deeper and in total just completely restricts you from moving you and your thought process. Yeah, that was me, luckily a smart man pushed the red emergency button. Asian, figures. She began to twitch, her feet were spastic but the rest was still in its position. Two business men leaned over and tried comforting the woman who seemed like a complete mannequin. She gained consciousness but was unaware of what was going on. She had that one breath and just awoke almost. A doctor who was on the train came as many were crowding around the scene. He questioned her and stuck his business card in her pocket. A nurse came and comforted her. She said she was feeling nauseous and had to throw up. Well, she refused to do so at first, but bodily needs came over that refusal and just vomited. Paramedics came and I decided to leave. No need of me getting in their way.
I went into the next cart and began to feel nauseous myself. Luckily, my love for House saved my mind from going crazy. Most of the time when you see a person throwing up, you’re likely to throw up too. It’s one of those influential-yawning things. So I just waited for fresh air.
I still can’t get that sight out of my head. Crazy morning leads to no rest.